Hey Coastie, or I've Got (Way too Many) Coconuts

 

7/10 Complaints: Good Food, Terrible Coffee, Coconut, More Coconut, Surprise Coconut, Where Is All This Coconut Coming From, Wobbly Tables, Odd Timing, Play Area, Comfy Seating, Indoor/Outdoor 

Mr Karenson and I treated ourselves to brunch at Hey Coastie, a fairly new little establishment with a beachy theme in keeping with its coastal location. This place is very cute with a warm interior setting. It also has a comfortable outdoor setting boasting cushioned seating and outdoor heaters for those cold nights when all your smoker friends insist on sitting outside even though it's below zero and you can see your breath, as well as a play area for parents to send their kids to blow off a birthday party's worth of sugar while they enjoy a well deserved espresso martini.

We chose this place because it was far less busy than its counterpart Long Beach next door, which is always packed to the rafters with 40 minute wait times.

One of the drawbacks of the outdoor setting is that the beachy pebbles on the ground aren't very stable or even, and the tables placed on them tend to have stability issues. The table we chose was in the sun, but pitched like the deck of a ship every time we tried to cut our food and I'm glad we didn't order cocktails, as those would have spilled immediately and disappointingly with one lean of a  elbow. Next to us sat a growing crowd of Johns and Barbaras, and by the time we received our food it had become just as busy as next door.

The food at Hey Coastie is varied, well prepared and I really enjoyed the smashed avo on sourdough with a beautiful heap of interesting salad and a poached egg. It came with some kind of subtle spice paste and nuts, felt like I definitely got my daily greens for shiny hair and a cold nose. Mr Karenson, as usual, had the big brekkie which boasted the usual and expected offerings, but isn't really out of the ordinary in any way and could do with perhaps some black pudding to elevate it. The hash browns are also not as good as the ones at Fat Chefs.

This menu is intriguing as there seems to be a lot of coconut in place of dairy throughout. A lot of people can't have dairy and I can definitely appreciate the inclusion of coconut yoghurt in dishes such as their fruit granola and desserts, as it is delicious, pairs well with fruit and doesn't seem to have the acrid aftertaste of dairy based yoghurts. However, they also use coconut yoghurt in their creamy mushrooms and a lot of other places you wouldn't expect it. I can understand this from a dietary standpoint and fully support it, but I did start to wonder if they had perhaps been given a giant vat of coconut with a limited use-by date and were having to use it in everything otherwise it goes off and the disposal is a hassle.

There is a cafe who do this exact sort of thing with eggs and you can't order anything from them that doesn't contain egg.

The coffee order confirmed my deepest suspicions. We waited until well after all the Johns and Barbaras seated at the neighboring table received their coffee orders, despite ordering well before they'd arrived, which was mildly annoying but we'll let it slide in comparison with what happened next. By the time our coffee arrived we'd had to request it be served in takeaway cups, as we'd finished eating by the time it turned up, we both have a low tolerance for crowds and didn't want to stick around in the increasingly busy outdoor setting, jiggling our table back and forth.

The coffee was bloody coconut. I wish I was joking but I'm not. We'd placed our usual order of a "hazelnut latte" and they must have completely misheard because what we received was not hazelnut at all, but coconut from the ubiquitous and unending vat of coconut this cafe must surely be harbouring.

Coconut is divisive at the best of times. Some love it, some despise it and some think it only belongs in Bounty bars. I like it in Bounty bars but find its inclusion in coffee, to be oily, cloying, rancid, stomach turning and disgust inducing. The first sip of this burned and overly hot concoction carried with it a tropical twist of unwelcome nuttiness and it didn't get any better. It tasted very much like you'd imagine that Banana Boat coconut scented sunblock would taste as the coffee itself was also horrible and gave it a bitter bite and lingering acidity.

Every time I went to take a sip, the scent of curdled coconut preceded the coffee and it was pretty sickening. 

We ended up taking the coffee with us and trying to finish it but couldn't get through all of it as it was so unpleasant. As we drove away, I spied a sort of trailer parked next to the restaurant that could well have been the vat of surplus coconut they are clearly pumping into the kitchen with a hose, so perhaps I was right after all. There is probably some interesting backstory as to how they ended up with more coconut than any cafe could possibly use, so I would be interested to find out if anyone knows anything. Perhaps the owners lost a bet with a coconut supplier ? By the time we left, I was surprised a coconut hadn't fallen out of the sky and hit me on the head to round off a morning of bad experiences involving coconuts.

In any case, I'd return for the food and to eat coconut yoghurt with a dessert, but will never order coffee from here again. Will stick with the cocktails in future as they are much harder to sneak coconut into and at least in something like a pina colada, you somewhat expect it.

If we go back I may offer the chef a Bounty bar as a joke.