James Cook Grand Chancellor Hotel

 

Rating: 7/10 Complaints - No Ambience, No Food, No Restaurant, No Booze, Cold, Unromantic, Closed Lifts, Dated, At Least There Was a Pillow, Premiocre, Save your Money and Go Elsewhere

I was really excited to stay at the James Cook on the eve of my best friend Linda's wedding. Over the years I'd gone past this place and admired what I thought was old world charm and decorum. This place is admittedly something of an institution, having existed for many years and I'd heard good things from people who'd stayed there in the past. I guess I sort of imagined it would be like something out of a movie. The way the foyer is lit up, is admittedly very inviting and brings to mind images of crisp linen, sparkling champagne and a certain level of refinement.

I found the experience staying at this place sorely disappointing. 

First of all, we booked the luxury suite thinking hey, this is a once in a lifetime event, may as well splash out and book a good room and enjoy the evening. Right? Wrong. The luxury of the room was reflected in the price, but unfortunately that's where it ended. Starkly grey-white, surprisingly small, decorated blandly and without any balcony or opening windows, the room reminded me of nothing so much as the inside of a microwave. The air had that plasticky hotel aroma and was about as cold as the inside of a fridge, we couldn't figure out how to adjust the thermostat and couldn't even step outside to enjoy the summer evening so ended up sitting there awkwardly shivering in our socks. Normally I don't mind the cold, but find it bizarre when it's colder inside than outside and not in a good way.

You'd think that a "luxury suite" might at least come with something like a bath or extra blankets or at least something more to drink than instant coffee sachets and the bare minimum of milk, but this wasn't the case either. The whole room was about as basic as it gets and like I say, SMALL AS HELL. I felt almost cornered in the room and the bathroom was like a corridor. After an hour in the room all I wanted was to step outside but because there was no balcony, this was impossible. Very claustrophobic.

Oh well, at least we are only here for the night. Let's see what the offerings are like for the restaurant. 

There was a menu for room service in the hotel room and the selection did look pretty nice, but for some reason I can't recall (might have been the time of evening), we weren't able to order anything off this menu and the restaurant was closed. This was doubly disappointing as we ended up getting really hungry and having to leave the hotel and go on a half hour walk to the nearest fast food place, which served the usual fast food suspects. Words can't even begin to describe how disappointing and sad it is to read all the delicious options on a hotel menu, and then be forced to settle for lukewarm Maccas chips because you cannot get any food at the hotel for love nor money. I was tired and cold and would have liked nothing more than some kind of cheese selection and a nice glass of wine, but no such luck. 

Did I mention unromantic? In popular culture, hotels are venues for romantic trysts and come with a certain ambience and mystique. This place lacked atmosphere and felt mentally draining to the point that I'd recommend it to anyone who is mad at their partner and wants to put as much distance between themselves and the idea of romance as possible. It just felt like sleeping in a shoebox and even the blankets were pretty average and sort of thin. If you are looking to celebrate a divorce or murder, I wouldn't hesitate to suggest the James Cook Luxury Suite for such an occasion. 

Waking up in the morning after going to bed cold and disappointed, was mercifully softened by the thick blackout curtains which blocked out all the daylight. If someone can tell me where to get curtains like these for home, I will take a whole house worth. The flipside of this was that we didn't wake up in time to catch the elusive restaurant breakfast (this place is advertised all over the hotel with many photos of beautiful looking food but never seems to be open) and again ended up going without. It seriously pissed me off about the food as we did pay a lot of money to stay at the hotel and it seemed like a slap in the face not being able to get anything at all to eat, especially taking into consideration the shoebox room.  

At this point I would have been more than happy with just a bloody cinnamon roll or something, but ended up having no choice but to get breakfast from the nearby convenience store. This was about as good as you'd expect convenience store food to be. Also no coffee to be found apart from the instant sachets and the restaurant full of upturned coffee cups, which was perhaps the saddest thing of all. Where is the coffee guys? Is it so hard to have coffee available in a hotel full of cups and saucers with a full restaurant and staff? I sort of wish I'd lost my temper at this point, but didn't have the energy for a scene without my morning coffee.

 I don't know what is going on with this hotel and whether their fabled restaurant is just some sort of joke on unwary travellers, but it was probably the most frustrating and disappointing food related experience I've had, second to trying beautiful looking blue cheese at 5 years of age and promptly being sick behind the neighbour's garage. Seriously rubbish experience leaving empty handed and empty pocketed, as I may have mentioned this hotel is not cheap and I feel a bit silly perhaps for expecting more in this day and age of sterile environments and mediocre goods at premium prices. It was the equivalent of expecting bourbon and coke and getting Pals, or biting into a chocolate chip biscuit that turns out to be raisin. 

After this ordeal we met a mate who'd been staying at a nearby hotel, which sounded much nicer as he described actually being able to get food and fresh air. I would never again waste money at the James Cook (ironic name too considering there is clearly no Cook on site), and would be more inclined to try a friendlier, more accessible and nicer hotel as there are a lot of them in the city.

The wedding was beautiful and the food and wine tasted even more amazing after all the rigmarole we'd experienced just trying to get a bite to eat at the hotel. After the wedding, we found out that these absolute tossers at the James Cook lock the lifts after a certain hour, which meant a drunken stumble up several flights of concrete steps to reach the other entrance. 

Never again James Cook.